A couple of things, Katerin - you REALLY need to proof read this before you publish: security gourd? A gourd is a dried pumpkin! You mean 'guard'... There's a whole bunch of typos in here that you need to fix... also, I think you need to re-strcuture you're ending... right now, you are giving the punchline away too soon, by having your character explain the whole pirate thing; you need to hold that info back for the final shot - the other guys dressed as pirates and the 'stag do' explanation coming then - so have one of the guys holding a sign saying 'Alex's Stag Do' - people will understand why they're all dressed as pirates, so you don't need to explain it so obviously: instead, have the security guard pull out a prop that is itself not completely explanatory - so a stuffed parrot, or wooden leg - something that belongs to a pirate costume, but isn't quite the full picture. I think you've written the dialogue well (typos excepted) so you just need to crisp up the joke here.
A couple of things, Katerin - you REALLY need to proof read this before you publish: security gourd? A gourd is a dried pumpkin! You mean 'guard'... There's a whole bunch of typos in here that you need to fix... also, I think you need to re-strcuture you're ending... right now, you are giving the punchline away too soon, by having your character explain the whole pirate thing; you need to hold that info back for the final shot - the other guys dressed as pirates and the 'stag do' explanation coming then - so have one of the guys holding a sign saying 'Alex's Stag Do' - people will understand why they're all dressed as pirates, so you don't need to explain it so obviously: instead, have the security guard pull out a prop that is itself not completely explanatory - so a stuffed parrot, or wooden leg - something that belongs to a pirate costume, but isn't quite the full picture. I think you've written the dialogue well (typos excepted) so you just need to crisp up the joke here.
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